they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
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‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”