No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Skills
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I need better friends
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”