Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]