If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
You Might Also Like
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Ugh but profoundly
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza