Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
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For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird