I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
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My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.