I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
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Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Me in tagged photos
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I pray every night that I never become religious…
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?