This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
You Might Also Like
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.