your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
You Might Also Like
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Saturday
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number