My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
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Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns