Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
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Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My time has come.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.