me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
You had me at “define legal”.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I will never stop laughing at this
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.