Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
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my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I want to meet the individual who made this
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.