You Might Also Like
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing