Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
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No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything