seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
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We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Planet of the Apps.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.