Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
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Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.