joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
New mindset, who dis?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.