hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
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Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle