Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Just me?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
We found love in a hopeless place.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.