skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
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im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
hackers play passwordle