I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.