HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
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doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.