Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
ugh not again