My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
The internet is magic sometimes.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.