“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
You Might Also Like
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…