She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
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Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET