Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?