[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
You Might Also Like
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this