Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.