You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I enjoy a good short stor
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??