Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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This why you should mind your business
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?