No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
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I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
What’s a Messi?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.