This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
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me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here