YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
You Might Also Like
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Found my door mat
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.