The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
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me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”