Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
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Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.