It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
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I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools