adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Trying
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
can’t bark with your mouth full
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”