Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.