Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
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To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.