Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
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On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Not all heroes wear capes….
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Happy Febuary everyone!
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.