*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
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“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that