Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
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*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
some cats are just doing for fun!
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.