6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
The fall of Netflix
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I think we should hear other voices.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[loses house key, starts a new life]