My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Unexpected Judgment
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.