I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
me hitting on a model
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
December birthdays be like…