I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro