It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
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If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.