If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
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I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur